Stop Saying That!

OK i am so sick of everyone saying "you guys are always sick" or " you catch everything" etc. Folks, we are no more sick than your normal family with a toddler in day care. Not to mention that I personally had 4 surgeries last year. NONE were "elective" and all were necessary!!! I did not wish my self sick. Nor did I say "I think I want a 5cm cyst on my ovary". So shut up! Yes, I too wish that when they went in there the first time that they had taken all of it. But they didnt so shut up! My son got diarrhea from some unknown bug and got really dehydrated last year. IT HAPPENS!!!!! And then the whole family got the stomach bug this year and he got dehydrated again! IT HAPPENS!!! And we all have bad sinuses. Well, with the weather going from 30 degrees to 80 then back down to 30 with in a 48 hour time span, yeah, its gonna make us a little snotty! And yeah, I have shingles at age 34. Well lets see....I am on hormone replacement therapy (like a 50yo), have lost my grandma, my great uncle, and dealt with a lot of other stuff not to mention getting a new job after not working since 2009....you could say I am a little stressed. Number one cause of Shingles, STRESS!!!!!!! IT HAPPENS!!!! With that all being said, we are all on Zyrtec, I am laying low and trying to keep my hormones at a happy balance via doctor and blood test and we are ALL taking daily vitamins and probiotics. We live in a nice new house so no, my house is not contaminated with mold. I clean it often too. My son is going to catch bugs at school. Its what happens when we take our children to daycare. I cannot stop that. I need to work so my son needs daycare. OK so my POINT IS please stop saying that we are always sick and that there must be something wrong with me. Please stop calling me a hypochondriac because my illnesses are not something I can make up you guys! Please stop saying "OMG you guys are sick again?" well f-u! Just because you read my FB page today and haven't done so since two months ago when we were all sick doesn't mean that we are always sick!!!!!!!!!! On a lighter note, well there isnt one right now. Because I am stuck at home dealing with Shingles praying my son doesn't catch chicken pox from me. He has been vaccinated for Chicken pox but who knows if that will protect him 100%. I want to go back to work. I want to go enjoy this weather and play with my horse and barrel race and do all the things that I love to do. But I cant and it is NOT because I dont want too! SO next time you want to say "OMG you are sick again?" remember that I am fixing to say FU!!!! Maybe this is just my pain meds typing but I DONT CARE. Appropriate comments when someone mentions that someone doesnt feel good are "sorry to hear that" "have you tried....", "we will be praying for you guys", "sure hope it doesnt spread", "get well soon".

Crazy? Hormonal? Train Wreck? All of the above? I think so....BUT...

So I started on some new hormones because my estrogen levels (since my surgery) were BELOW menopausal levels regardless of the hormone replacement meds I was was on. I was also on testosterone. Other than being so tired all I wanted to do was sleep, I was FINE! Actually, I felt great emotionally and was loosing weight! Who can argue with that? Well my doctor was way worried because my estrogen levels were so low so she traded my meds to something else. Yeah. No. I was a crazy hell bitch who would rather throw my sucker into the dirt and cry about it than anything else. I was only on this junk for two weeks. I knew something was horribly off. I was/am still tired. But add tired to hell bitch and well, that has been me for two weeks. Come to find out, my thyroid levels are low! So back to the HRT I was one regardless of the low estrogen (because really, I dont even have hot flashes even with low estrogen) and start up some thyroid meds! YAY! That means more energy, better metabolism and more weight loss! Bring it on! Anyhow, this has been my two weeks of hell and I am so happy to go back to being happy!

Shut Up!

So today I am wearing some new jeans. They are a size 28 waist (6/7) and that is down over 3 sizes since this summer. I still feel fat lol. Is that not crazy? I honestly have not lost that much weight. Maybe 20-30 pounds....actually if you count from a month after giving birth to Kolton, I have lost about 50 pounds all together. Seems like a whole lot. So why the heck do I still feel fat??? I decided it is a flaw in the mind of a woman. Thinking back, even when I was a whole 105 pounds I still felt FAT!!!! OMG I was like a 00!!! A tooth pick with boobs! So i better pull my head out of my ass and realize that I LOST 50 pounds.....thats a LOT. I need to stop saying "i just need to loose 20 more" because you know what, I am good the way I am! My jeans are comfy, my shirts fit better, my saddle even fits better!!! In fact, I was just saying how much room I have in my saddle now....So I am posting this blog today to say.....I weigh 156 pounds and wear a size 6 and I look fabulous! So, shut up brain! Time to wear shorts and maybe even a swim suit! Time to not feel so dang self conscious! For all you MEN out there, you better be telling your WOMEN that they look great! Even though you feel like you say it enough, say it again! We are really hard to convince! We have a voice in our head that says "just 20 more pounds"...and she never shuts up!

Get It OUT!

So we can sit there and dwell on things for hours. We all do it. We let it go from something small to something unbearable. We allow this "thing" to totally eat away at our brain. Then we try to sleep and it invades our sleep. We have to break this cycle to stay healthy! Seriously! Sometimes we just need to let it all OUT. For me I write. If something is digging a hole in my gut I am much better off sitting down and writing it all out. It takes time to do this but it is oh so worth it! I slept so good last night! I wrote and wrote and wrote until I had nothing left. Sometimes I am just thinking about the upcoming weekend. I am thinking about what to pack, what to wear, etc. I am always worried I am going to forget. Heaven forbid I forget anything! So now, I keep extra of little things in my trailer so if I forget I am not without. Then I make a list of all the crap that is flowing through my thoughts and until I physically put it in the trailer, it is there on that list. Once its loaded, I check it off! Sometimes its negative thoughts. Folks, its not good to carry around hate, sadness, guilt, anger, confusion or any other negative thoughts. We need to get it OUT and for me, I write. I basically purge my feelings into my hands and onto my paper! Sometimes I just fold the paper and toss it. It still amazes me how much better it feels just to put it on paper. My goal is to get rid of my negative thoughts in private and to share my positive ones with you guys! I am not even sure if anyone even reads my blog but its OK. At least I can get these rambling thoughts out of my head!!!

Thank God For Church

You know what, I have to write sometimes. It just takes all the ramblings out of my head so I can sleep! So here you go. Thank GOD for Church. A place where I can go, with my family, and feel the love of GOD. I can give all my stresses to him as well. I can ask for forgiveness and ask for guidance. I have even found a church family that accepts me for me. I dont feel like I am being judged when I walk in. Even though I only go with my son and my Husband has yet to join me. But I trust that he will soon enough. I know that he will see God's love in me and want to experience what I have been experiencing! My son loves going to Church! He rejoices with the music! It is so awesome! I have been down and out for various private reasons and realized that I need to turn to God to figure out how to proceed. I am confident that God knows what I am going through and, if I let him, he will guide me. He brought me to the alter many times at my new church. He has brought tears to my eyes but I always leave with a feeling of strength. I leave church feeling that God is closer to me now more than ever. How can anyone not seek the Love of God? I still hear judgment outside of my church. I like to share my happiness with others and sometimes I get "told what to do next". That is not why I am going to church. I dont want to go to reach certain "sacraments" or what not. I want to go to build my relationship with GOD. To give my issues to Him because they are more than I can handle alone. I encourage everyone to find a church home. This one in particular has been calling my name since we moved up here but I did not listen to the voice until just before Christmas. Now I am so blessed to be greeted with Holy Hugs when I walk through the doors. I may not know many there or join in with the bible studies. I dont even attend on Tuesday nights. But I am still welcomed. I am still loved for coming when I can and giving what I have to the Church. But I think it is because God is smiling down on me when I cross the threshold into HIS house. So Thank GOD for Church!

Find your smile...

Sometimes we get stuck. We get stuck in what has been. What has to be. What we dont realize is that we can look forward at what can be. But some folks, when they look forward, they get overwhelmed. Its almost a catch 22. But Here is what I do. I look at the things that I want to happen then I break it down into what I need to do today to get to the end result. Yeah, a list helps too. Even if the idea is to be a better person. Guess what? It doesnt happen over night. It starts with one thing at a time. Something as simple as kissing your husband good bye in the morning is a good start. My steps to becoming a better me include that as well as saying my prayers at night. I try to look for a reason to smile at least every hour. No matter what, there is always something to smile about once ever 60 minutes. Trust me, it will make the day better. Something else I do is stop to watch my child play. Sometimes I dont get to do this until bed time but even just 10 minutes of watching him makes me feel better. Learning to pick my battles is another thing I am working on. Even on my worst days I try to do little things to make it better. Yeah, yesterday all I wanted to do is hit my knees and cry. But when I stopped and let my son play in the sand box and got my horse in the round pen, I found my smile. My son insisted on learning how to work my horse in the round pen! Lynx was very patient with him too. He did everything Kolton told him to do.....lol And when Kolton took off running toward the horse, well, he stopped and turned and faced me. Yeah, that horse is a keeper too! But all in all it tickled me pink that MY SON would rather be in the round pen with the horse than play in his sand box. Yup, thats MY SON.

I should write a book....

I am sitting here thinking about my life. How I was raised. All the little crazy crap that made me me. Now wouldn't that be a story! I wonder how many folks I would piss off if I wrote a book? Because Lord knows I did not get strong, stubborn, persistent and callous because I had just the most perfect life! No, my life was not perfect. But DESPITE the negative I SURVIVED and used all of that to drive me to success. I do have to have a reality check from time to time to make sure that I am still sane. Who doesn't? I do have to have my horses for therapy or I would totally loose it. I am so blessed to have certain people in my life that I CALL FAMILY. Without them I would have some serious issues. Perhaps I am not sane? Who knows? But one thing I know is that my son will never experience what I had to endure. I wont let it happen. I will teach him to be strong by showing him good things and giving him responsibilities and having him work with his Daddy building fence. Not by showing him fear and intimidation. I will teach him persistence by show him that good things come to those who wait. Not by with holding love until he does what I want. I will teach him to be stubborn, yes I said it...I want him to be stubborn! I want him to HOLD HIS GROUND and stick to his guns! I will teach him this by showing him that it is worth it to stand by what you believe. Not by belittling him. His callouses will be from hard work. Not from anger. He will always know that he is LOVED by his parents. He will always feel SAFE in HIS HOME. But I will teach him that life is not always fair. Because that is life. But I will not be the one to fail him. Yeah, my kid is going to be the best that he can be, not despite me but because of me. So, with that said, I dont think I have to write a book on my past. I think I will just write about the present and love the life that I am living now. This life is worth living. Anyhow, be expecting more positive notes from me about my life now and how my son is growing up to be a cool little man. Because that is what I want to think about from now on. Good Bye Past. You have happened and now its time to live!