It's been a while..

It's been a while since I have posted on this blog! Since we last talked, we had a family of 3 dogs. Sadly, Colt passed away at the end of his 12th year! It was peaceful and at home. We think he had a heart attack. So now we have two. Gauge, who will be 12 in a month and Gunther whom is 7. Having a dog or three is a big responsibility!

Gauge and Gunther are mourning the loss of their brother. Today I had the urge to go to the shelter and meet a dog named Cole. Heeler. Man, I really like this dog! But we just got down to two and neither two need a whole lot. Both are well trained and behave! Do I want to adopt and add in another child? I was going to wait for a few months but this one came across my feed and he is local. I can get a pretty good read on a dog based off first impressions and Cole seems to be kind, loving and loyal. But am I ready to take one on that might need some training? My brain is saying it will be fine! My heart says he will fit in! My logic says no. I don't always listen to logic. If I did, I would not have my horses. Heck, I would not have the two dogs I have now!!! So I'm going to sleep on it. Perhaps God will give me an answer. He is usually pretty good and guiding me!

Not sure what to title this one.

So years ago, 2005, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Ruhamatoid arthritis. It was a daunting diagnosis. But it made sense. I went on medications and was doing better. In 2009, I had to quit my medications because we wanted to have a baby. And so flash forward to moving up near Dallas, Kolton was born and I needed to get back on my RA medications. I found what I thought was a good doctor, but she removed my diagnosis and didn’t put me back on meds. Well, I’m 40 now. I noticed a drastic change in my hands and feet as well as my allergies have been getting worse each year. I have always had horrible neck and back pain as well as my hips. My feet ache all the time. And now my hands are super sore. I visited my yearly doctor and she pointed out that I need to go find a new Ruhmatologist ASAP. I now meet 99% of the criteria for the disease. I’m still mad as hell that they removed my diagnosis in 2011. Now I have damage that is irreversible. But alas, I still keep moving. It’s time. It’s time to find a new doctor and get back on the hella expensive medications to manage this disease. It’s frustrating. I would go in for pain here and there but no one puts it all together. So I shall find a new doc, make a list and move forward. Many people ask why I don’t teach in a classroom setting. It’s because my body likes to take revenge when I have a job. Coaching lessons allows me to work at my own pace. Same with cleaning saddles and selling stuff. I can rest when needed. I can take medication when needed. I can set up a schedule that doesn’t overwhelm me. RA is one of the suffer in silence diseases. If I voiced about my pain, people would call me a hypochondriac. Instead of helping, they make me want to not talk about it. Tell me I need to cowgirl up. Telling me I need to ride more, exercise more, etc. no one understands why I have to do things on my own schedule. Why traveling and being out of my routine really messes me up. Going over night to a barrel race will cause me to be down the Monday and possibly Tuesday after. Like I have to rest and reset. There are a lot of us out there. I know several barrel racers that have it. Some that had to give up riding all together. I’m blessed that I can still ride. I’m praying that I can slow the damage in my body. If I can’t find a good doctor to put me back on meds ASAP, I’m just going to continue to fall apart. It’s depressing to think about so I try not to think about it. I try to make provisions that help me. There is no cure. Only medication to calm down my over active immune system. One day it will affect my heart. It already affects my lungs, joints, neck, head, face, hands, feet, hips, knees.... you get the idea. I don’t want pity. But if you see me out there trying to saddle, feed, set up my stuff at a race, understand that I might need help. I might be on my last hour before I have to crash. It’s my life. When you don’t see me sitting in the stands to watch the race, understand that I am resting in my trailer because I hurt and the fatigue has set in. When you ask if I want to go get food, understand that I’m turning you down because I can’t move anymore. But I made it there. I got to run my horse(s) and that was a huge accomplishment. So don’t take it personal. Understand that I’m happy to get to do what I love but I have to take care of my insane body. On the plus side, I can still ride. I can still coach lessons. I can still clean saddles and sell things. I just ha e to rest after.

But Why?

Have you ever had to walk away from a friendship because it was toxic? Then somehow, some way, that person manages to place blame on you? And then you want to be on defense? But wait....you walked away because it was toxic. So why? Why go on defense? Yeah. I think we all do this. I think it is because we wish we could have fixed the situation. Maybe, in some twisted way, we wish that person would acknowledge that you are not a bad person. But hey, it was TOXIC! Guess what? They will never even think about seeing themselves as taking part in the negativity that existed in your friendship. THAT IS WHY YOU WALKED AWAY! Duh! In my life, I have had an issue with attracting the needy friends. I don’t know why. I love to help people. Maybe my open door policy is what has cause me so much angst in my life. But I can’t help it. I like to help others. I like to see if they can learn to fly. Bad thing is, some of these friendships have clipped my wings and it down right pisses me off. Haters gonna hate and all that aside, I really wanted to be a person who helped the other to find their wings. I do my best to see the best in everyone around me. I think that if I can be a light for just one out of hundreds, perhaps they too will share their light and it would become an epidemic. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If my kindness was reflected and others then shared their kindness? My husband says I attract the crazies. He said I need to vet my friends better. He says I let too many people in. So world, here I am. May God protect me! I will not stop. I will always be friendly and try to help others. It’s in my blood. However, when I close a door, I wish that person would respect the door. Does that make sense? One of the hardest lessons in life I have had to learn is how to forgive without an apology. How to say “it’s good. I forgive you” even when the person didn’t ask for it. Heck, I don’t even have to tell them. Nope. I can just forgive and move forward. But sometimes those folks like to bang on the door and rattle me. I don’t get it. I want to say, leave me be. Let me be me. I closed the door to you because you are toxic and I don’t need that in my life. I need love, joy, happiness, family, and light. I don’t need toxic. I’m toxic enough to myself. Think about it. How many times do we beat ourselves up mentally for something? Like “why did I leave that on the counter, now it’s ruined. I’m dumb” or “I’m fat” , “I am looking bad”, “I need to be more active”.... I can go on but I’m trying not to do this to myself. Come to found out, my relationship with myself is also toxic. So it’s time to close that door too. Not on life but on the toxic little voice inside my head. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I am not a bad person. I’m just tired. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to feel....anything.... I am HUMAN. Now, I will say this, I love my husband. I respect his words. I have a small handful of true friends. Yeah, they might be a bit crazy but it’s ok. I am too! But I will guard my Soul. I will pray. I will trust that God puts people in my life for many reasons only known to Him. But I have learned that the devil also is at play. So when it’s time to shut the door, I need to close it, lock it and ignore the knocking. Forgive. Move on. Give my anger to God. Give my frustration to God. Know that I closed that door for a reason. I am worth saving. I am worth loving. I am worth good friends who don’t drag me through the mud. This is a cautionary tale. Take it how you want. I am not someone who will carry a grudge nor shall I let someone sour my mood. I will carry my light. I will smile. I will be the best me I can be, darn it! So stop knocking!

Mom Life

There are days when I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. Why I can't find my keys, my left shoe, my sunglasses or my phone. It happens! Then there are days when I am sick and I take my kid to school. When I pick him up, the teacher informs me that my boy cried when I dropped him off because he is worried about me ❤️. My 8 year old boy is all boy! It melted my heart when I found out about that situation. He really does love me! Come on now, you know what I mean! Like, I know my kid loves me but he actually cried because he was worried about me being home alone and sick! How sweet is that? Sometimes we get so stirred up about all the little things and forget that simple reason that we are literally runnning around like chickens with our heads cut off! It's because we love them! We are moms! We are wives! And in my case, I'm also a small business owner. We get caught up in our schedules and what needs to be done. Well, today, I stopped and took a nap! A legit, drool on my pillow, no tv, NAP. Why? Because I felt like I had 500 bazillion things to do and I was tired. Sometimes, we need to stop and take care of ourselves. Of course I started the washer before I sacked out but.... I napped. It's the little things. I hustle to get my son to and from school on time. I hustle to get food on the table. I hustle to get that uniform washed before the baseball game. I hustle to catch my horse to give lessons. Go, go, go. But when my son asks to ride my horse after I give lessons, that is when I need to stop. I need to stop and put my kid on that horse and take a million photos of him riding! One day he isn't going to want to do those little things. One day he is going to be hustling to get this and that done. The other night he asked to help me feed. So I stopped and handed him some buckets. He loves to help but often, we are rushing so I just get it done. But I am missing out on him wanting to help. My son is a great kid. We are pretty tough on him. He has aset bed time. He has a set routine. He makes his own breakfast and his own lunch (he is 8 y'all) and he is happy to do it. He knows that it gives me a chance to get a cup of coffee and knows that makes me happy. Like I said, it's the little things. Today, on our way to and from my riding lesson, he asked about taxes and why we pay them. Guys, I am not very good at explaining things such as this! But we talked about it and then got into how our government works and then on to how other countries work. I sure hope I didn't mess all that up for his future teachers! But he was listening and asking all sorts of questions. Thank God for Siri and the fact that I can talk to her and she will respond verbally! But it reminded me that my son is a sponge! He is always learning and watching! That reminds me to mind my P's & Q's! Why? Because he is always watching! I'm so thankful that I get the opportunity to drive him to and from school. That I get to take him to soccer and baseball. That he gets to see me teach riding lessons and clean saddles. He knows what hard work is. He knows his dad is going to work early in the morning and sometimes comes home late. He is super excited when his dad shows up for a weekday baseball game and even more excited when we stop and do things with him. I'm going to end this with something simple. Stop and look around. What is your kid doing? Is he/she outside playing? Are they being creative? Are they watching you? Be in the now. You can run that dishwasher after they go to bed. Does the house really need to be spotless? Or do you need to go throw the ball for your kid? Are you so caught up in the gotta do it right now or are you stopping to listen to the endless random questions your child is asking? Are you being respectful to others? Because your child is watching. Are you stopping during the day to take care of yourself? Or are you running around and dragging your feet? Parenting is hard. But remember WHY you are a parent! Remember those sweet little things. Those are the memories we will have when we grow up. And you stopping to throw the ball or push the swing for your kid (or in my case, finding string, tape and cardboard so he can make a trap) will be the memories your child has when he grows up. Life is short. Don't spend it chasing your tail. Well, unless that is what you enjoy! Signing off to get some sleep!

Adulting

I could post about the hell of a flu I have been experiencing for the last week and how I didn’t want to be sick on my 40th birthday BUT.... I have a few friends whom remind me to post positive! So I will post this.. Adulting. Y’all, it’s part of life. When we are young we have a choices. Most of us do. We could chose to adult and stand on our own two feet. For example, get a job, a place to live, pay our bills etc. Some of us have other choices like leave the nest and mo e in with some guy (could be the love of your life) or we could choose to stay in the nest. When I was growing up, I flew out of the nest and into college for four years. I did meet the love of my life as a junior in college and thank God he knew that I needed to ADULT. I NEEDED to stand on my own to feet. I needed to work. I needed to pay my own bills. So he didn’t allow me to strap myself to him and be his burden. I did just that. I got a job, paid bills, bought a bigger truck, bought a couple of horses etc. I then went back to school and obtained my Masters Degree. I thought he would then let me move in with him but again, he made me figure it out. I got another job. I worked. I barrel raced. I stood on my own two feet. I finally was able to get married to this love of my life and I was grateful that he “made me” adult. It sure gave me a different perspective on life in general. It made me a little more fragile. It made me appreciate all the little things that we had. Yes, we got married one month shy of 8 years of dating but I would not trade it now. Looking back, I needed all of my life lessons to be who I am today. I see a lot of younger people trying to go from the nest into a marriage. I see them trying to go from one person paying their way to another person supporting them. Y’all, you need to stand up. You need to step up. You need to ADULT. Learning to self sustain and live by yourself is hard as heck but it is necessary! You can still have the love of your life right there without jumping into their nest. It seems easy to go from one place to another and let someone else support you but did you learn to love yourself? Did you learn to sustain yourself? Did you learn how bills work? Until you learn these things, you can’t possibly appreciate your other half. I guess you could but in reality you need to learn about the world without someone else sheltering you. So I encourage all of you young people to go out AND LIVE. Figure out what makes the world go round. Figure out what makes you happy other than your spouse. You will have a longer, healthier relationship if you learn the basics of standing on your own two feet. I’m not shaming those who choose to leave one nest for another. I’m just saying to give it a try. Stand up! Be you! You will be happier! You will learn to appreciate the love and support of your significant other!

Excited!

Today I began to prep my trailer for my upcoming barrel race! See, around my birthday weekend, there is always a barrel race that I attend! It used to be called the Jurassic Classic. Now it’s the Dinosaur Classic! I normally haul one horse and freeze my butt off. I don’t normally win any money but I always enjoy going. Issue is, I’m an over Thinker! I begin to prep the trailer the week before. Well today I finally got a chance to go out and begin the “overhaul” on the trailer only to find a mix of random trash stashed here and there and I actually find things I have been looking for in the past! One think I can say is that today, I found SPACE. Y’all, I had no idea I had that much crap in my cubby hole! So I cleaned the floor up, sat my butt down and began to dig through all the important stuff I had stashed in random places! It’s cold out and windy so riding is out of the question considering I spent all day yesterday suffering with my sinuses. Tomorrow will be a busy day of lessons. So today is the day. I can honestly say that I am truly blessed to have my trailer! It has two beds, a shower and a potty! It also has your typical tv and a microwave that gets used mostly for storage. But today....it’s cleaned out and might actually get used! Of course I will need to stock my closet with clothes and try to figure out where to put my ice chests..plural...one for horse leg wraps and one for human consumption. I also need to do the dreaded “making of the bed” chore. But I have to say I am super excited! This year I get to haul TWO horses! My stunt double is going to enter up Lynx’s younger brother! This means that I will, for the first time in my life, have two horses that I RAISED and trained going to a major race! Yes, it’s about time! Goose is now 8! Both boys might be a little fresh but all in all, I am excited! Lynx loves this arena and loves the downhill alleyway! I’m sure Goose will figure it out and love it as well! I’m very blessed to have Katelin in my life. She has shown me that my big black gelding is a lot like his older brother. Maybe next year I will be running Goose on my birthday weekend! I will be turning 40 on January 29th. I am also very blessed that my husband and kiddo encourage me to go run on my birthday weekend! I had to miss this race the year of my hip surgery but I don’t think I have missed it since 2014. Can you tell I’m excited? Of course it’s always a chore to prep the trailer for the humans, horses and my dog. But it is a chore that gets my blood going in a good way! Sure, I could be like normal people and have a birthday party or birthday dinner but honestly, I rather go barrel racing! I have hauled to this race with much less “amenities” in my trailer but now I am totally portable! I am so blessed! So as I write this and plan to share, I’d like to ask for prayers of safety and prayers of sanity for us all! I feel like asking for happy prayers is way more beneficial than asking for luck. Honestly, I don’t believe in luck. If we depended on my winnings, I’d never get to run these amazing athletes! I’d be living in my trailer under a bridge somewhere! Lol! Nope, I am totally blessed! So if you see me at the race, I’d be happy to say a little prayer with you and I will be all smiles because I GET TO go barrel racing on my birthday weekend!

Friends.

There is a secret about me that I am going to share. I don't have a lot of "friends". Yes, I have a lot of folks that know me on the outside. I have a lot of people who surround my life. But I don't let too many into my actual circle. When I do let someone into my circle, I tend to hold tight to them. I care deeply. I think about them often. I remember the little things that they do and I do my best to remember the important things that make them happy. When they are sick, sad, or down, I care. I can't help it. I think I literally have five of these friends in my life. They may or may not know that they hold a place in my heart. They may not realize that they are one of the few. Problem is, some of the "few" have broken my heart in the past and I have had to walk away for my own sanity. They didn't realize how I felt. They took advantage or they decided I wasn't good enough to be their friend. Things were toxic and I had to close the door. But it never fails that someone will step into my life and fill that spot. This could be a flaw in me. The fact that I trust too often. The fact that when I am truly friends with someone I give up a chunk of my heart to them. I would bend over backwards to help them even if all I can be for them is an ear or a safety net. I also give these friends a lot of opportunities to tear out my heart. And that makes me vulnerable. But like I said, I care. If I let someone in, I let them in. It has come to my attention that my blind faith in my friends could be a flaw. It could be damaging to my personality. But I just can't help it. There are so few people that actually "click" with my personality that when I find one, I latch on. I never would have thought that caring for a person deeply was a flaw. I never would have thought that being a good friend even when that person was trying to walk away, was a flaw. I never would have thought that caring, loving and forgiving was a flaw in my character. However, as I approach the ripe age of 40, I am realizing that it is, in fact, a flaw. Hindsight is 20/20. I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had never let certain people into my circle. To be honest, I would not change it. Nope. That person might have walked all over me but I feel that God put that person in my life for a reason. It might have opened my soul up to learn something new about myself or it might have helped that person find out something new about themselves. So I will keep on keeping on. I will keep loving those in my circle. When one walks out, I will pray for them and keep on my path. After all, first and foremost, I am a wife, mother, sister and a daughter FIRST. I am a friend AFTER those things. Maybe God wants me to shine for others. Maybe he sends people to my circle so I can share a small part of my light with them. I refuse to let anyone take away my love. I will refuse to let anyone take my sunshine! But I also refuse to stop loving my circle. And I refuse to apologize for being me.