MOM Life During this "pandemic".....

To be honest, I never wanted to be a homeschool mom. My son has always enjoyed school and enjoyed being out of the house. From a young age, he went to mothers day out and then on to child care a couple of days a week. When I had a full time job, he was only two years old and really enjoyed being "at school". SO that is what I did. I figured out a way to keep him going even when I no longer had a job. Just a couple of days a week. He is now 9. We went into Spring Break then....never went back. It's not about not wanting to care for my child. It's not about me not wanting to be a parent. My son legit loves school. He loves the interaction outside of the home. As a mom, being confined, well it's had a negative impact on my only child. We all like to paint that perfect picture of our family. We are all happy. We do things that are fun. We get along in harmony. That is the outside appearance that we all want to show the world. Don't lie. We ALL want to be happy and perfect. But let's be real here. When my son goes to school, I clean. It's hard to clean when the people are here. I clean, I grocery shop and I work on my business. I'm self employed and I need time to do my books as well as clean tack, take care of the horses and so on. Life has been altered since March. I have had to learn to step back from a lot of the things I get done while my son is at school. I have had to learn to keep my cool when my child is throwing a tantrum because....well...he is bored. He loves to be challenged and being home is not challenging. I have always had appreciation for teachers as a whole. The fact that they can keep my kid engaged and interested in learning for a whole day, five days a week, just...wow. Way to go! I can't get him to focus long enough to make his bed muchless teaching him something! Kuddo's to all the teachers in the world! I am not a teacher in that sense. I am a riding coach but that comes natural. I see a lot of backlash on parents who express their desire for person to person classes resuming during this pandemic. Back off y'all. It's not that we don't want to parent our kids. It's not that we don't love our children. Trust me. Not all of us parents are cut out for homeschooling. I do know several parents that are built to teach their kids at home. Y'all are blessed with the ability to juggle the teacher/parent relationship. Congrats!!!!! I am not blessed with that skill. But that is not a reason to shame me for wanting more for my child. I want him to go back to school so he can thrive. So he can develop new friendships and build on his personality. Yes, I want my child healthy. Yes I do worry about him getting sick. But let's all be honest here. The flu will spread through a school like wildfire. It has shut down schools in a matter of days. They clean said school and kids with no fever for 24 hours can return. It happens almost every year. How is this different? Some say "Well, we get the shot for the flu". Me too. So does my child. Guess what? He still get its it. A vaccination is not going to completely stop the spread. It's not y'all. The viruses, all of them, will mutate and find a way around whatever vaccination is created. It happens. But, we still send our kids to school. We remind them to wash their hands, cough and sneeze into their elbows and if our child has fever, WE KEEP THEM HOME. Or at least I do! Wanting to send my child back to school has way more to do with his mental growth that me not wanting to parent my child. Stop shaming us. The other part of all this mess is simply the fact that people are loosing income. Single parents cannot both homeschool and work. Life doesn't work like that for the general population. I am blessed with a hard working husband! So I can be home if my child is sick. Not everyone is as blessed. We are creating a great divide with all of this mess. The folks who are single handedly raising their kids need to work so they can provide for said kids. No school. No day care. No income. Not everyone has a family member close to take the reins. Think about those kids. Their single parent is struggling to make ends meet. A simple stimulus check won't fix the fact that they lost their job, insurance and security because they cannot attend work. The middle class and the below middle class are merging. The children are getting the short end of the stick. Some won't accept handouts. I get that. But some don't have the opportunity for handouts. So think really hard about that right there. What will it take to get these kids back into school??? It's simple, really. Parents, don't send kids to school who have any fever. This is something that has been an issue for YEARS. Practice good hygiene. Hand washing. Don't eat your boogers. Don't swap spit. Everyone has cooties. Let's keep teaching our children that they must wash their hands. Don't cough or sneeze on others etc. Common sense. Just like putting on a seat belt in a vehicle! And yes, this is a lead by example as well as parental reinforcement type deal. So as a mom with a school aged child, I beg you to think about what is happening to our kids while the adults are in panic mode. Take a deep breath behind your mask and think. Is shutting down schools going to solve the issue? No. It won't. If the adults cant remember basic hygiene, how will the curve be flattened??? WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

Barrel Racer Legs

Barrel racer legs. So I have always had toned calves, slim ankles and thicker thighs. I think it comes with riding horses. As I approach my 41’st birthday, I realize that I still have these attributes plus some. What’s the plus? Well, even though I’m standing flat, barefoot, on even ground, one knee is higher than the other. Idk why! Also, one knee is swollen. One is wrinkled. I actually have a lot of dents and marks on both shins. Most likely from a random hit on a barrel or getting knocked by a various barn/horse related item. I did the photo in black and white because I also notice how pasty I am at the moment. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But that’s ok. No one except my family sees them bare anyhow! I also noticed that they are a rainbow of colors 😜! I haven’t hit anything in a while but they still have bluish green tints as well as red and splotchy parts. With all that going on, I have a huge scar on the back of my left knee and a torn meniscus on the right knee. I have had hip surgery. I have had barrel hits that showed bone. I have had sprained ankles where the doc said it would have been better if I had broken it. I have bone spurs in my heels. I have pulled ligaments that will never regain their elasticity. But each mark,scar, injury has a story! Oh my legs have walked and ridden a million miles! If I had to pass a vet exam, I would be set to the kill pen! But what a life I have lived! I have had many awesome horses in my life! Some only get one “special” horse. I have had 3 or 4! And more to come! I would not trade my life for a less beaten body if it was offered. In fact, I’m fine. Seriously! I will heal what needs healing. I will tan when I can and cover some of my colors (I use jergens tan in a bottle) and I can always put on pants! But I still have awesome calves, ankles and strong thighs! Thigh gaps are for wimps! I just used my legs as an example but this applies to all aspects of my life! It’s not perfect but it’s perfect for me! Learn to love you. After all, until you love yourself, you cannot love anyone else!

Cole Fits in!

Cole the Blue Heeler is settling right in! He does get scared with loud noise and such. But he doesn't bite, growl, bark, snap or anything except jumping the fence when he is scared! We let him sleep loose in the room. He seems to think he is a house dog and has not made a mess since the first couple of days! Even then, it was "marking". He is missing a canine tooth on his lower right and some front teeth on the top left. But he has no desire to chase livestock. He walks so well on a leash that I'm sure he was a house/apartment dog. I'm not sure what sort of abuse he suffered in his past but it is almost certain that he was abused. Last night he slept in the bed with me. He stayed along my side! Slept all night long! Anyhow, we will have more adventures as the days go by!

It's been a while..

It's been a while since I have posted on this blog! Since we last talked, we had a family of 3 dogs. Sadly, Colt passed away at the end of his 12th year! It was peaceful and at home. We think he had a heart attack. So now we have two. Gauge, who will be 12 in a month and Gunther whom is 7. Having a dog or three is a big responsibility!

Gauge and Gunther are mourning the loss of their brother. Today I had the urge to go to the shelter and meet a dog named Cole. Heeler. Man, I really like this dog! But we just got down to two and neither two need a whole lot. Both are well trained and behave! Do I want to adopt and add in another child? I was going to wait for a few months but this one came across my feed and he is local. I can get a pretty good read on a dog based off first impressions and Cole seems to be kind, loving and loyal. But am I ready to take one on that might need some training? My brain is saying it will be fine! My heart says he will fit in! My logic says no. I don't always listen to logic. If I did, I would not have my horses. Heck, I would not have the two dogs I have now!!! So I'm going to sleep on it. Perhaps God will give me an answer. He is usually pretty good and guiding me!

Not sure what to title this one.

So years ago, 2005, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Ruhamatoid arthritis. It was a daunting diagnosis. But it made sense. I went on medications and was doing better. In 2009, I had to quit my medications because we wanted to have a baby. And so flash forward to moving up near Dallas, Kolton was born and I needed to get back on my RA medications. I found what I thought was a good doctor, but she removed my diagnosis and didn’t put me back on meds. Well, I’m 40 now. I noticed a drastic change in my hands and feet as well as my allergies have been getting worse each year. I have always had horrible neck and back pain as well as my hips. My feet ache all the time. And now my hands are super sore. I visited my yearly doctor and she pointed out that I need to go find a new Ruhmatologist ASAP. I now meet 99% of the criteria for the disease. I’m still mad as hell that they removed my diagnosis in 2011. Now I have damage that is irreversible. But alas, I still keep moving. It’s time. It’s time to find a new doctor and get back on the hella expensive medications to manage this disease. It’s frustrating. I would go in for pain here and there but no one puts it all together. So I shall find a new doc, make a list and move forward. Many people ask why I don’t teach in a classroom setting. It’s because my body likes to take revenge when I have a job. Coaching lessons allows me to work at my own pace. Same with cleaning saddles and selling stuff. I can rest when needed. I can take medication when needed. I can set up a schedule that doesn’t overwhelm me. RA is one of the suffer in silence diseases. If I voiced about my pain, people would call me a hypochondriac. Instead of helping, they make me want to not talk about it. Tell me I need to cowgirl up. Telling me I need to ride more, exercise more, etc. no one understands why I have to do things on my own schedule. Why traveling and being out of my routine really messes me up. Going over night to a barrel race will cause me to be down the Monday and possibly Tuesday after. Like I have to rest and reset. There are a lot of us out there. I know several barrel racers that have it. Some that had to give up riding all together. I’m blessed that I can still ride. I’m praying that I can slow the damage in my body. If I can’t find a good doctor to put me back on meds ASAP, I’m just going to continue to fall apart. It’s depressing to think about so I try not to think about it. I try to make provisions that help me. There is no cure. Only medication to calm down my over active immune system. One day it will affect my heart. It already affects my lungs, joints, neck, head, face, hands, feet, hips, knees.... you get the idea. I don’t want pity. But if you see me out there trying to saddle, feed, set up my stuff at a race, understand that I might need help. I might be on my last hour before I have to crash. It’s my life. When you don’t see me sitting in the stands to watch the race, understand that I am resting in my trailer because I hurt and the fatigue has set in. When you ask if I want to go get food, understand that I’m turning you down because I can’t move anymore. But I made it there. I got to run my horse(s) and that was a huge accomplishment. So don’t take it personal. Understand that I’m happy to get to do what I love but I have to take care of my insane body. On the plus side, I can still ride. I can still coach lessons. I can still clean saddles and sell things. I just ha e to rest after.

But Why?

Have you ever had to walk away from a friendship because it was toxic? Then somehow, some way, that person manages to place blame on you? And then you want to be on defense? But wait....you walked away because it was toxic. So why? Why go on defense? Yeah. I think we all do this. I think it is because we wish we could have fixed the situation. Maybe, in some twisted way, we wish that person would acknowledge that you are not a bad person. But hey, it was TOXIC! Guess what? They will never even think about seeing themselves as taking part in the negativity that existed in your friendship. THAT IS WHY YOU WALKED AWAY! Duh! In my life, I have had an issue with attracting the needy friends. I don’t know why. I love to help people. Maybe my open door policy is what has cause me so much angst in my life. But I can’t help it. I like to help others. I like to see if they can learn to fly. Bad thing is, some of these friendships have clipped my wings and it down right pisses me off. Haters gonna hate and all that aside, I really wanted to be a person who helped the other to find their wings. I do my best to see the best in everyone around me. I think that if I can be a light for just one out of hundreds, perhaps they too will share their light and it would become an epidemic. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If my kindness was reflected and others then shared their kindness? My husband says I attract the crazies. He said I need to vet my friends better. He says I let too many people in. So world, here I am. May God protect me! I will not stop. I will always be friendly and try to help others. It’s in my blood. However, when I close a door, I wish that person would respect the door. Does that make sense? One of the hardest lessons in life I have had to learn is how to forgive without an apology. How to say “it’s good. I forgive you” even when the person didn’t ask for it. Heck, I don’t even have to tell them. Nope. I can just forgive and move forward. But sometimes those folks like to bang on the door and rattle me. I don’t get it. I want to say, leave me be. Let me be me. I closed the door to you because you are toxic and I don’t need that in my life. I need love, joy, happiness, family, and light. I don’t need toxic. I’m toxic enough to myself. Think about it. How many times do we beat ourselves up mentally for something? Like “why did I leave that on the counter, now it’s ruined. I’m dumb” or “I’m fat” , “I am looking bad”, “I need to be more active”.... I can go on but I’m trying not to do this to myself. Come to found out, my relationship with myself is also toxic. So it’s time to close that door too. Not on life but on the toxic little voice inside my head. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I am not a bad person. I’m just tired. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to feel....anything.... I am HUMAN. Now, I will say this, I love my husband. I respect his words. I have a small handful of true friends. Yeah, they might be a bit crazy but it’s ok. I am too! But I will guard my Soul. I will pray. I will trust that God puts people in my life for many reasons only known to Him. But I have learned that the devil also is at play. So when it’s time to shut the door, I need to close it, lock it and ignore the knocking. Forgive. Move on. Give my anger to God. Give my frustration to God. Know that I closed that door for a reason. I am worth saving. I am worth loving. I am worth good friends who don’t drag me through the mud. This is a cautionary tale. Take it how you want. I am not someone who will carry a grudge nor shall I let someone sour my mood. I will carry my light. I will smile. I will be the best me I can be, darn it! So stop knocking!

Mom Life

There are days when I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. Why I can't find my keys, my left shoe, my sunglasses or my phone. It happens! Then there are days when I am sick and I take my kid to school. When I pick him up, the teacher informs me that my boy cried when I dropped him off because he is worried about me ❤️. My 8 year old boy is all boy! It melted my heart when I found out about that situation. He really does love me! Come on now, you know what I mean! Like, I know my kid loves me but he actually cried because he was worried about me being home alone and sick! How sweet is that? Sometimes we get so stirred up about all the little things and forget that simple reason that we are literally runnning around like chickens with our heads cut off! It's because we love them! We are moms! We are wives! And in my case, I'm also a small business owner. We get caught up in our schedules and what needs to be done. Well, today, I stopped and took a nap! A legit, drool on my pillow, no tv, NAP. Why? Because I felt like I had 500 bazillion things to do and I was tired. Sometimes, we need to stop and take care of ourselves. Of course I started the washer before I sacked out but.... I napped. It's the little things. I hustle to get my son to and from school on time. I hustle to get food on the table. I hustle to get that uniform washed before the baseball game. I hustle to catch my horse to give lessons. Go, go, go. But when my son asks to ride my horse after I give lessons, that is when I need to stop. I need to stop and put my kid on that horse and take a million photos of him riding! One day he isn't going to want to do those little things. One day he is going to be hustling to get this and that done. The other night he asked to help me feed. So I stopped and handed him some buckets. He loves to help but often, we are rushing so I just get it done. But I am missing out on him wanting to help. My son is a great kid. We are pretty tough on him. He has aset bed time. He has a set routine. He makes his own breakfast and his own lunch (he is 8 y'all) and he is happy to do it. He knows that it gives me a chance to get a cup of coffee and knows that makes me happy. Like I said, it's the little things. Today, on our way to and from my riding lesson, he asked about taxes and why we pay them. Guys, I am not very good at explaining things such as this! But we talked about it and then got into how our government works and then on to how other countries work. I sure hope I didn't mess all that up for his future teachers! But he was listening and asking all sorts of questions. Thank God for Siri and the fact that I can talk to her and she will respond verbally! But it reminded me that my son is a sponge! He is always learning and watching! That reminds me to mind my P's & Q's! Why? Because he is always watching! I'm so thankful that I get the opportunity to drive him to and from school. That I get to take him to soccer and baseball. That he gets to see me teach riding lessons and clean saddles. He knows what hard work is. He knows his dad is going to work early in the morning and sometimes comes home late. He is super excited when his dad shows up for a weekday baseball game and even more excited when we stop and do things with him. I'm going to end this with something simple. Stop and look around. What is your kid doing? Is he/she outside playing? Are they being creative? Are they watching you? Be in the now. You can run that dishwasher after they go to bed. Does the house really need to be spotless? Or do you need to go throw the ball for your kid? Are you so caught up in the gotta do it right now or are you stopping to listen to the endless random questions your child is asking? Are you being respectful to others? Because your child is watching. Are you stopping during the day to take care of yourself? Or are you running around and dragging your feet? Parenting is hard. But remember WHY you are a parent! Remember those sweet little things. Those are the memories we will have when we grow up. And you stopping to throw the ball or push the swing for your kid (or in my case, finding string, tape and cardboard so he can make a trap) will be the memories your child has when he grows up. Life is short. Don't spend it chasing your tail. Well, unless that is what you enjoy! Signing off to get some sleep!