But Why?

Have you ever had to walk away from a friendship because it was toxic? Then somehow, some way, that person manages to place blame on you? And then you want to be on defense? But wait....you walked away because it was toxic. So why? Why go on defense? Yeah. I think we all do this. I think it is because we wish we could have fixed the situation. Maybe, in some twisted way, we wish that person would acknowledge that you are not a bad person. But hey, it was TOXIC! Guess what? They will never even think about seeing themselves as taking part in the negativity that existed in your friendship. THAT IS WHY YOU WALKED AWAY! Duh! In my life, I have had an issue with attracting the needy friends. I don’t know why. I love to help people. Maybe my open door policy is what has cause me so much angst in my life. But I can’t help it. I like to help others. I like to see if they can learn to fly. Bad thing is, some of these friendships have clipped my wings and it down right pisses me off. Haters gonna hate and all that aside, I really wanted to be a person who helped the other to find their wings. I do my best to see the best in everyone around me. I think that if I can be a light for just one out of hundreds, perhaps they too will share their light and it would become an epidemic. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If my kindness was reflected and others then shared their kindness? My husband says I attract the crazies. He said I need to vet my friends better. He says I let too many people in. So world, here I am. May God protect me! I will not stop. I will always be friendly and try to help others. It’s in my blood. However, when I close a door, I wish that person would respect the door. Does that make sense? One of the hardest lessons in life I have had to learn is how to forgive without an apology. How to say “it’s good. I forgive you” even when the person didn’t ask for it. Heck, I don’t even have to tell them. Nope. I can just forgive and move forward. But sometimes those folks like to bang on the door and rattle me. I don’t get it. I want to say, leave me be. Let me be me. I closed the door to you because you are toxic and I don’t need that in my life. I need love, joy, happiness, family, and light. I don’t need toxic. I’m toxic enough to myself. Think about it. How many times do we beat ourselves up mentally for something? Like “why did I leave that on the counter, now it’s ruined. I’m dumb” or “I’m fat” , “I am looking bad”, “I need to be more active”.... I can go on but I’m trying not to do this to myself. Come to found out, my relationship with myself is also toxic. So it’s time to close that door too. Not on life but on the toxic little voice inside my head. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I am not a bad person. I’m just tired. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to feel....anything.... I am HUMAN. Now, I will say this, I love my husband. I respect his words. I have a small handful of true friends. Yeah, they might be a bit crazy but it’s ok. I am too! But I will guard my Soul. I will pray. I will trust that God puts people in my life for many reasons only known to Him. But I have learned that the devil also is at play. So when it’s time to shut the door, I need to close it, lock it and ignore the knocking. Forgive. Move on. Give my anger to God. Give my frustration to God. Know that I closed that door for a reason. I am worth saving. I am worth loving. I am worth good friends who don’t drag me through the mud. This is a cautionary tale. Take it how you want. I am not someone who will carry a grudge nor shall I let someone sour my mood. I will carry my light. I will smile. I will be the best me I can be, darn it! So stop knocking!