Get It OUT!

So we can sit there and dwell on things for hours. We all do it. We let it go from something small to something unbearable. We allow this "thing" to totally eat away at our brain. Then we try to sleep and it invades our sleep. We have to break this cycle to stay healthy! Seriously! Sometimes we just need to let it all OUT. For me I write. If something is digging a hole in my gut I am much better off sitting down and writing it all out. It takes time to do this but it is oh so worth it! I slept so good last night! I wrote and wrote and wrote until I had nothing left. Sometimes I am just thinking about the upcoming weekend. I am thinking about what to pack, what to wear, etc. I am always worried I am going to forget. Heaven forbid I forget anything! So now, I keep extra of little things in my trailer so if I forget I am not without. Then I make a list of all the crap that is flowing through my thoughts and until I physically put it in the trailer, it is there on that list. Once its loaded, I check it off! Sometimes its negative thoughts. Folks, its not good to carry around hate, sadness, guilt, anger, confusion or any other negative thoughts. We need to get it OUT and for me, I write. I basically purge my feelings into my hands and onto my paper! Sometimes I just fold the paper and toss it. It still amazes me how much better it feels just to put it on paper. My goal is to get rid of my negative thoughts in private and to share my positive ones with you guys! I am not even sure if anyone even reads my blog but its OK. At least I can get these rambling thoughts out of my head!!!

Thank God For Church

You know what, I have to write sometimes. It just takes all the ramblings out of my head so I can sleep! So here you go. Thank GOD for Church. A place where I can go, with my family, and feel the love of GOD. I can give all my stresses to him as well. I can ask for forgiveness and ask for guidance. I have even found a church family that accepts me for me. I dont feel like I am being judged when I walk in. Even though I only go with my son and my Husband has yet to join me. But I trust that he will soon enough. I know that he will see God's love in me and want to experience what I have been experiencing! My son loves going to Church! He rejoices with the music! It is so awesome! I have been down and out for various private reasons and realized that I need to turn to God to figure out how to proceed. I am confident that God knows what I am going through and, if I let him, he will guide me. He brought me to the alter many times at my new church. He has brought tears to my eyes but I always leave with a feeling of strength. I leave church feeling that God is closer to me now more than ever. How can anyone not seek the Love of God? I still hear judgment outside of my church. I like to share my happiness with others and sometimes I get "told what to do next". That is not why I am going to church. I dont want to go to reach certain "sacraments" or what not. I want to go to build my relationship with GOD. To give my issues to Him because they are more than I can handle alone. I encourage everyone to find a church home. This one in particular has been calling my name since we moved up here but I did not listen to the voice until just before Christmas. Now I am so blessed to be greeted with Holy Hugs when I walk through the doors. I may not know many there or join in with the bible studies. I dont even attend on Tuesday nights. But I am still welcomed. I am still loved for coming when I can and giving what I have to the Church. But I think it is because God is smiling down on me when I cross the threshold into HIS house. So Thank GOD for Church!

Find your smile...

Sometimes we get stuck. We get stuck in what has been. What has to be. What we dont realize is that we can look forward at what can be. But some folks, when they look forward, they get overwhelmed. Its almost a catch 22. But Here is what I do. I look at the things that I want to happen then I break it down into what I need to do today to get to the end result. Yeah, a list helps too. Even if the idea is to be a better person. Guess what? It doesnt happen over night. It starts with one thing at a time. Something as simple as kissing your husband good bye in the morning is a good start. My steps to becoming a better me include that as well as saying my prayers at night. I try to look for a reason to smile at least every hour. No matter what, there is always something to smile about once ever 60 minutes. Trust me, it will make the day better. Something else I do is stop to watch my child play. Sometimes I dont get to do this until bed time but even just 10 minutes of watching him makes me feel better. Learning to pick my battles is another thing I am working on. Even on my worst days I try to do little things to make it better. Yeah, yesterday all I wanted to do is hit my knees and cry. But when I stopped and let my son play in the sand box and got my horse in the round pen, I found my smile. My son insisted on learning how to work my horse in the round pen! Lynx was very patient with him too. He did everything Kolton told him to do.....lol And when Kolton took off running toward the horse, well, he stopped and turned and faced me. Yeah, that horse is a keeper too! But all in all it tickled me pink that MY SON would rather be in the round pen with the horse than play in his sand box. Yup, thats MY SON.

I should write a book....

I am sitting here thinking about my life. How I was raised. All the little crazy crap that made me me. Now wouldn't that be a story! I wonder how many folks I would piss off if I wrote a book? Because Lord knows I did not get strong, stubborn, persistent and callous because I had just the most perfect life! No, my life was not perfect. But DESPITE the negative I SURVIVED and used all of that to drive me to success. I do have to have a reality check from time to time to make sure that I am still sane. Who doesn't? I do have to have my horses for therapy or I would totally loose it. I am so blessed to have certain people in my life that I CALL FAMILY. Without them I would have some serious issues. Perhaps I am not sane? Who knows? But one thing I know is that my son will never experience what I had to endure. I wont let it happen. I will teach him to be strong by showing him good things and giving him responsibilities and having him work with his Daddy building fence. Not by showing him fear and intimidation. I will teach him persistence by show him that good things come to those who wait. Not by with holding love until he does what I want. I will teach him to be stubborn, yes I said it...I want him to be stubborn! I want him to HOLD HIS GROUND and stick to his guns! I will teach him this by showing him that it is worth it to stand by what you believe. Not by belittling him. His callouses will be from hard work. Not from anger. He will always know that he is LOVED by his parents. He will always feel SAFE in HIS HOME. But I will teach him that life is not always fair. Because that is life. But I will not be the one to fail him. Yeah, my kid is going to be the best that he can be, not despite me but because of me. So, with that said, I dont think I have to write a book on my past. I think I will just write about the present and love the life that I am living now. This life is worth living. Anyhow, be expecting more positive notes from me about my life now and how my son is growing up to be a cool little man. Because that is what I want to think about from now on. Good Bye Past. You have happened and now its time to live!

My Upbringing By Two Grandmas, A Blessing

I was essentially raised by two sets of grandparents that were polar opposites. It was a total blessing that I was raised by both. Well, yes, my parents too but I for sure remember my grandparent's way of discipline a little more clear than my parents for some reason. Perhaps it is because every summer until my teens I spent at least a month with Grandma Whittle in OKC. Grandma Zanek had me almost every weekend during the school year and summer when I was not in OKC until I was in my teens. I feel the strong pull this morning to talk about my upbringing. So here it goes. Grandma Zanek was sort of an iron fist but out of love. She managed to keep me on my toes without running me off. She managed to get me back on a horse after being drug so many times that the sheer thought of sitting on a saddle made me cry. I was in elementary school. I loved loved loved horses but was terrified to sit on one. Like I said, after the mean little pony "Princess" broke MY SPIRIT. SO every weekend at the ranch I would catch Checa and halter her. She was all of 25-35.....and I would drag that mare all over the place. Literally. 485 acres of "place" that I would hand walk that patient mare. She is one of two mares that I ever really loved but that is a different story for a different time. Grandma never pushed me to get back on. She just waited. It seems like years but was probably only a few months before I was sneaking off in the woods with Checa and finding a stump to stand on and get on her. We would ride for hours through the woods and I would get off before heading back to the house. Never thinking about my fuzzy rear end.......and the marks on the mare's back.....I did this thinking I was fooling my Grandma Zanek into thinking that I was still afraid. But I wanted to prove to her that I wasnt...when the time was right. I did not want to disappoint. She also did not want me riding Checa because it was her horse so she told me time and time again that I needed to bond with Brandy.....Anyhow, she knew. She knew all along. But she still acted shocked when I got on Checa in the pasture and rode up to the house :-) Grandma told my mom that it was about time I came to my senses!!! Anyhow, that was Grandma Zanek. She managed to talk my parents into riding lessons, english first....to get my balance and what not. Then I was made to ride Brandy. The mare NO ONE wanted to ride. Guess what? I LOVED Brandy!!! I switched her from a grazing bit to a long shank snaffle and that mare loved me back :-) we rode countless hours bareback through the woods and down by the river. Yes, I said down by the river! From that point on, Brandy was MY horse. Well until I got TJ. Then TJ and Brandy where my horses. Grandma told me she knew we would work because we were both stubborn. She taught me to sit up straight, stand up for myself, not to let the world determine my fate, trust no one but believe the good in everyone and that there is no shame in getting my hands (shirts, boots, jeans) dirty. Getting your hands dirty was the best way to live!!! Even though Grandma Zanek lived in a big fancy house in downtown Houston, her heart was always in the country. She passed in 1998. She told me I would never like living in East Texas. She told me I was never going to settle for "that boy" that I dated in high school and she said she knew I was going to be awesome at something as soon as I figured out what it was. She visited me in my dreams a lot until the last time when I was pregnant with Kolton. I thought, I knew, I was having a girl....yeah, no. Grandma came to me in a dream and said that I was being silly. Of course I am having a BOY. And he will be a boy just like me. Rough, tuff, but with a heart of gold and love of horses. She also told me how proud she was of me for going to aTm and finding Jeff, the love of my life, and finally getting out of EAST Texas :-) That was such a memorable dream for me. I havent seen her since but I know she is waiting for me to need her again. Grandma Whittle was my city girl grandma. She passed yesterday. 3/9/13. She was 90? Anyhow, I spent every summer with her until I was 12/13. She loved to give me pedicures and manicures always telling me how pretty my nails were...and as soon as I got home I would cut them off lol. I wore sundresses and shorts at Grandma Whittle's house! I did not play in the dirt. We went to the zoo, the park, aerobics, the race track, lazy e arena to watch the summer Olympic equestrian trials (that was soooo cool!), the science museum with all the technology centers, arbuckle wilderness, some random OKC history markers etc. She wanted to make sure I had culture. She taught me to be lady like. She taught me to respect my elders (G.Z. did too) and to enjoy the past as much as the future. She told me a lot about Mom and how she was raised. We went to church on Sundays. Grandma Whittle was my city lovin' grandma. I loved watching her get her hair done! We always went clothes shopping. She loved to spoil me and I just loved to be there with her and grandpa! Oh and Maggie too! The little Schnauzer that was their baby. I was raised with big dogs so Maggie was a treat to be around for a month! A sweet little lap dog! She taught me how to plant a garden even though everything I plant now dies. I never did get a green thumb! I think grandma was trying to work the tomboy out of me but I never did change for her. I know she loved me and I loved her too. I also know that I frustrated her being the tomboy in the family! She really worked hard to show me everything she could about being a lady and I will never forget that. She will always be in my heart and she will always be the voice in the back of my head telling me that I need to file my nails vs cut them because they are so strong and pretty and have pretty half moons (yes, she was obsessed with my nails lol). Even though she had demensia and did not remember me in her last years, I know in my heart that she is smiling down on me right now. Proud that my nails are filed, I am wearing make up and a little bling :-). She never got to meet Kolton but she did get to meet Jeff and she is/was ever so proud of my prince! She was grinning from ear to ear when she met him the first time. She met him several times...always forgetting, God Bless Her, but he always was happy to reintroduce himself. I think she was proud of me. I hope she was. Rest in Peace Grandma Whittle! I know you are up there in Heaven with Uncle Ray, and Grandpa now. Tell them I send my love! Rest In Peace.