Im not really sure why I have just gotten so overwhelmed that i can't "do" anymore. It's weird. I don't like it. I read somewhere that if you suffered abuse as a child, you never learned how to relax. I don't want to go into details about my life in the past but this makes sense. If you grow up walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace, you have to learn that the egg shells are gone now. It's ok to walk barefoot. Its ok to stop hiding your emotions. To be honest, I have had anxiety most of my life. As far as I can remember. I used to be epileptic and had grandmal seizures. They would come to me when i was sleeping. Normally around 5 am. This stuck with me from the time i was around 5 until junior high. It was horrible. I would dream about losing control and wake up, feeling my body going into a seizure, and try to get down stairs to my mom. I never fell down the stairs that I remember. But that feeling still sticks in my brain. I still dream about it and I still wake up and feel like it will happen again. I think that my brain really thrives on control and normal. Unfortunately, that is not how I grew up.
Yes, I know, this is my past. My brain no longer has seizures. It has been replaced with anxiety. I no longer have to deal with abuse. I have an amazing husband and my kid isn't so bad either. In fact, sometimes I really get down on myself for feeling anxious or depressed. Yall, I have a home, horses, a vehicle, love, dogs, cats, food to eat, and I can get a hug when I need one! That stuff was not listed in order of importance. Lately, well.......a lot......I have been sick, Allergies suck. Chronic pain sucks. I know that if I keep moving I will keep moving. A body in motion stays in motion. My issue is, I need to kick start the motion!!!! I also need to stop hyper fixating on what I didn't do yesterday and how I feel like I am failing at life.
OK. This blog post is getting to sound like I am whining so let me flip the script! It's time to enjoy life. It's time to ride my young horse. It's time to quit giving myself a reason to bury my head in my pillow. I have stuff to do. I can rest at the end of the day like a normal human. If I really want my barrel racing identity back, then I need to get my young horse ridden so he can move forward. If i'm tired of the laundry pile, I need to put it away. If the kitchen sink is full, I need to do the dishes. I need to STOP making excuses!!! I am 44 years old and I need to be better for myself. Not to prove to anyone that I am awesome. Nope. I need to do it for myself.
With that being said. My colt is saddled. My laundry is washing. My dishes are washing. Time to build new habits! Sadly, my gym closed down. But I have a horse to ride. I have stuff to do. Time to rise and shine like my life depends on it!
