Friends.

There is a secret about me that I am going to share. I don't have a lot of "friends". Yes, I have a lot of folks that know me on the outside. I have a lot of people who surround my life. But I don't let too many into my actual circle. When I do let someone into my circle, I tend to hold tight to them. I care deeply. I think about them often. I remember the little things that they do and I do my best to remember the important things that make them happy. When they are sick, sad, or down, I care. I can't help it. I think I literally have five of these friends in my life. They may or may not know that they hold a place in my heart. They may not realize that they are one of the few. Problem is, some of the "few" have broken my heart in the past and I have had to walk away for my own sanity. They didn't realize how I felt. They took advantage or they decided I wasn't good enough to be their friend. Things were toxic and I had to close the door. But it never fails that someone will step into my life and fill that spot. This could be a flaw in me. The fact that I trust too often. The fact that when I am truly friends with someone I give up a chunk of my heart to them. I would bend over backwards to help them even if all I can be for them is an ear or a safety net. I also give these friends a lot of opportunities to tear out my heart. And that makes me vulnerable. But like I said, I care. If I let someone in, I let them in. It has come to my attention that my blind faith in my friends could be a flaw. It could be damaging to my personality. But I just can't help it. There are so few people that actually "click" with my personality that when I find one, I latch on. I never would have thought that caring for a person deeply was a flaw. I never would have thought that being a good friend even when that person was trying to walk away, was a flaw. I never would have thought that caring, loving and forgiving was a flaw in my character. However, as I approach the ripe age of 40, I am realizing that it is, in fact, a flaw. Hindsight is 20/20. I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had never let certain people into my circle. To be honest, I would not change it. Nope. That person might have walked all over me but I feel that God put that person in my life for a reason. It might have opened my soul up to learn something new about myself or it might have helped that person find out something new about themselves. So I will keep on keeping on. I will keep loving those in my circle. When one walks out, I will pray for them and keep on my path. After all, first and foremost, I am a wife, mother, sister and a daughter FIRST. I am a friend AFTER those things. Maybe God wants me to shine for others. Maybe he sends people to my circle so I can share a small part of my light with them. I refuse to let anyone take away my love. I will refuse to let anyone take my sunshine! But I also refuse to stop loving my circle. And I refuse to apologize for being me.