Adulting

Anyone else look around and realize that OMG, you are an adult and you don’t feel mentally prepared to be one? That is me. I’m almost 40. Yeah, my body feels it but my brain still thinks that it is 20. I still say things like “when I grow up”... not even kidding. Then I realize that my spectrum of friends is odd. It ranges from 15 to 65. Weird. I know. But when you barrel race, you have an odd range of friends. Shocker....people look up to me! I’m over here just trying to hold my life together and then I realize I have friends and people whom actually look up to me or seek me out for advice. That is hard for me to comprehend. I get it. I give riding lessons. I have a cool horse but am I actually mentally ready to give out advice? Not sure. But I wonder if other grown ups feel the way I do. Do you ever look at your tribe and wonder how or why your tribe came to be? Are you the glue? This might sound totally random to some of y’all. But this is so,etching that really makes me go hmmmmmmm.... I am a friendly person. However I only have a few friends. Like, I can call them whenever about whatever type of friends. I mentally can’t handle the stress of juggling too many friends. I just can’t keep up. To be honest, I’m a horrible friend! I forget birthdays. I forget anniversaries. Most of my friends live far from me so they don’t see me but once a year, maybe. But somehow they still are my friends. How does that happen? I also feel personally responsible for my friends. If they are having issues, I feel like it’s up to me to be their rock no matter what I am personally dealing with in my own world. Rachael’s world is a little messy, emotional, tired, and anxious. But, if my friend needs me, I’m there! I’m like a beacon! Here I am! I can be your rock! Then I realize I’m more like a marshmallow. However my friends still see me as strong and all that. I’m not y’all. I’m a mess! I’m going to blame it on adulting! My husband is my rock! He is specially designed, by God, to keep me from melting in the fire (I’m a marshmallow, remember?) and I thank God daily for him! So here I am offering all this support, advice, love etc when really, my 20 year old brain is making all sorts of sizzling noises. With that being said, I would not trade my life for anything. I love all my friends. I love my life! I love that I might be able to help someone with their life or their horse from time to time! I love to help others. But am I qualified? Let me say it like this... I learned about horses by being around horses and horse people. I was told to do a lot of things and honestly, I did what made sense and passed over the things that didn’t make sense. I’m very quirky about how I saddle my horse, warm him up and even how I run. My Grandma Zanek taught me soooooo much about horses growing up. Now she didn’t rodeo or anything like that but she taught me about horse sense. She also put me in a position to learn and grow in my equine skills. My parents fostered this idea as well. I did not go to clinics. I did not take many lessons (English lessons for 8 months when I was in junior high) but I was surrounded by other equestrians. I cleaned stalls for a horse trainer who really loved to put my butt on some of the quirkiest horses then tell me everything I was doing wrong. I would clean 25 stalls, saddle 10 head then I would get told to warm so in so up.... I swear the man set me up for failure on a daily basis! But I learned! Boy did I learn! I worked for a summer camp and learned how to saddle 50 head in less than 30 minutes CORRECTLY. Because if you didn’t do it correctly than the favorite trail horse would get a gall or a saddle sore. So I learned. I learned from barrel racers. I learned from old cowboys. I was blessed to have those old cowboys in my life! They taught me cool tricks! They also taught me about the reality of horsemanship. I learned how to load a horse that won’t load. I learned how to ride rank. I learned how to gain respect from my horse while demanding respect from the same horse. I learned about partnership and teamwork. The list is long and looking back, wow, I am old! I’d ha e to be old to fit all that I have learned into my lifetime. Moving forward.... now I teach riding lessons and I compete on horses that I raised. I still feel like I have so much to learn. I still yearn for someone to school me on my horsemanship. So am I really qualified to be that person for someone else? That is the moment I realized that I’m an adult. I can be someone’s rock even though I’m a marshmallow. I can pass on my knowledge while still absorbing new knowledge. I can still improve myself and teach others. Back to my friends. I will do my best to be a good friend. I apologize for my forgetful nature. Blame it on adulting! Sometimes I just need to be in my head. Yes, it’s a mess but I like it there! So when I’m at a race and I seem a little distant, don’t worry, I’m just in my head. Thank you guys for sticking around! However, sometimes I can’t be that cheerleader, pacifier, warm fuzzy blanket that you need. I’m sorry. I’m a marshmallow! Maybe one day, when I grow up, I can be all that for my friends! I will do what I can but I can’t always prioritize things in a way that makes everyone happy. See, I have a family, some weirdo horses and some dogs that love me unconditionally and I tend to put them first! But again, I will do what I can! ❤️